Do you think me cheesey whan I tell you ‘love is all we need’? When the Beetles and the Bible say the same thing it’s time to listen. Best selling band and best selling book, 20th century to 1st century, love revolution to love revolution. Love is all we need. I believe.
If I speak in the languages of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
It was for love of my brother that I stood at his wedding and read these words, my knees visibly knocking and my hands sweating. But, knowing that I would be nervous, I had read though the words a million times so that I wouldn’t stutter and stumble. But what I did instead was fall in love with these love letters. And how could I stumble? They are like poetry running off the tongue, language of angels indeed. But, amongst theses lovely lines is some age-old truth that can shock my cold heart to the bone: Whatever we do in life, if we have not love, it is all for nothing, for it will not remain.
Years ago, in southern France an electrical storm drove us into the shelter of the great and ancient arches of the Pont du Gard, older than both the Beatles and the Bible. With lightning dropping around us I asked my ever-wise mother if we should move to somewhere less obvious for a strike. And with ever-increasing wisdom she replied ‘it’s been here for 2000 years and probably encountered a few lightning storms in its time’. It set me thinking, buildings feel immortal, while we like shadows come and go. But, the truth is the opposite. While the material things we see look more enduring, it is the insubstantial element of love that is powerful and lasts forever.
When you love, the effects are eternal, passed from one person to another, from generation to generation. Recently someone told me to write a list of all the people who had ever showed me love or kindness. As the list trailed off the page, I realised those deposits of love make me who I am and make my life possible and make me be able to love. Relational generosity is the soundest investment of them all.
Over the next few weeks I am going to explore a few ideas surrounding relational generosity. Otherwise spelt LOVE. Loving myself, finding love, love for them, and giving love.
Part One:love ME
Like charity, love starts at home, and I don’t mean your house. I mean you. The person who does not love themselves is a nightmare for everyone around them. After all, you can’t give away what you don’t have. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t honestly love the people around you. We can do our best, but we are operating out of lack. At some point we are going to love people the way we love ourselves, and if we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love them. My friend’s fiancé once told her that it was his ambition in life to love her as much as she did. She promptly replied that it was in his best interest that she loves herself, because we love others as we love ourselves. It’s true. We’ve all seen how a damaged person damages. An insecure person creates insecurity. A hurt person hurts. The greatest thing you can do for people around you, is to love you.
Identity is the best place to start. To have relationship we have to let people really know us. Intimacy is ‘into me you see’. If we don’t like who we are or don’t know who we are, we won’t let anyone else see who we are. Many many people (if not all of us) have taken some knocks in life that can rock their identity and their intrinsic value. When we don’t feel valuable we feel vulnerable and open to attack. We expect attack. Someone who is insecure is defensive; and therefore offensive. They create insecurity in their environment and trigger every other insecurity around them. Equalling relational (or unrelational) mess. We have to love ourselves enough to let them see the real us.
Another friend of mine was given £15 000 a few years ago by a man he didn’t even know very well. Instead of being friendly to this guy, my friend went to great lengths to avoid him. It got so ridiculous that he realized there was a problem, and he realised the problem was him. He felt unworthy of £15 000 and thought if the man got to know him he would realise this too and regret the gift. At some point we need to believe L’Oreal and know that we are worth it, not because L’Oreal says so, but because every human who walks this globe is worthy and wonderfully made. I love the Dove adverts that promote the message that every size and shape is beautiful. It’s the same with our inside – we are all good. ‘I am lovely’ is the biggest thing we can realise, so that we can become the greatest gift to give away.
